On Sunday during our worship time at church I found myself asking God to forgive me for being a fraud. I
think that I desire to be what God wants me to be, at least that's what I tell myself. But really, I am selfish. I don't really want to put in the effort it will take to be obedient. I know that will mean giving up some habits that I am comfortable in, and in the process, people might get to know me for who I really am. And so I feel like a fraud when I sing and pray and talk to people about things because sometimes I don't really want to do those things. So what do I do? Stop singing, praying and talking to people? Nope. I don't think that's the answer. But to me, being fake is the same thing as lying to someone and being truthful is a virtue I hold tightly to.
So I find myself in a bit of a quandary and in social situations where I want to figuratively cover my ears and start rocking back and forth, mumbling to myself and pretend it's not there.
At this point I need to make a disclaimer. This is not the situation I find myself in all of the time. But it has happened enough in the recent past that I feel compelled to... be real about it.
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4 comments:
Leah, your honesty really encourages me. I know how you feel, everything I should do, I don't, and everything I don't want to do, I do.
On the flip side, we really need to consider if we allow people to be real. I get the impression sometimes that it's not okay to be working through feelings that aren't always pretty - mad or depressed or anxious. If someone comes to a worship assembly in a state of heartbreak, do we let them be sad? Do we simply sit quietly with that person and join our tears with theirs? Or do we send messages that "your bad feelings make me feel bad so please stop". I don't know - it just makes me think of the relationship part of being authentic.
I just thought about the psalm - "My soul thirsts for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Somehow I don't think that he knew that thirst because he was always super happy to be at worship. I think the "dry and weary land" has a lot to do with sitting there with people worship all around and not being able to focus on anything related to God.
The cool thing about this is that God wants to hear from us about anything we feel (or don't feel). God is big enough and loves us enough to take us in our dry seasons and in our seasons of plenty.
It's not being fake to be "thirsty". I'm not criticizing your faith community (I really like those folks), but I wonder if we need to offer more time in our community to explore feelings of thirst, lament, frustration, and dryness - I know that I have rarely been in a church community that spends time exploring the range of emotion.
Ever since I was a little girl listening to my grandfather talk about Matt. 23:27 ..."you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs,....." I have been so very aware that nothing I do, think, feel is hidden and my heart is open and laid bare. My favorite "B Attitude" Matt. 5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Oh, I can't wait! Jesus struggled too in his humanity.(Heb4:15,5:8-9) Because he did not fall he always helps us up. Be Holy as He is Holy. He wouldn't have said it if we couldn't do it.
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